I was talking with a friend last night, and with Amy over the past couple of days about the process of readying myself for this run. With the final test still looming it is easy to overlook the gains I have made through this experience. Among the many ideas of why I might do something like run a marathon, several are smaller goals I have already attained. I’ll list a few below.
-getting in better shape
-dropping a few pounds
-challenging myself physically
-having a goal
-learning something new both about the sport and myself
There is still the pressure of achieving the goal, and yet as I really think about it the achievements above surpass the goal itself for me. No I’m not dropping out of the race. I’m just trying to put this in perspective for myself. I have long since accepted that due to unforeseen circumstances I am not precisely where I thought or hoped I would be in my preparation. But I am at peace with that, I couldn’t do anything about that anyway. I asked a lot of questions during the last half of my long run on Saturday. They were and still are important questions for me. Who am I really running this for? What constitutes success in my eyes? Is this experience valuable? Who really cares? What really brings me joy and happiness?
I was sharing with Amy how nice it was running with John on Saturday and how fun it is running with Steve, Shack, and Wayne. Most of the things that I do for fun involve a social aspect and running it turns out is no different. Experiences in general from my life’s understanding at least, are almost always enhanced when shared. I was lamenting the fact that for Black Mountain, the idea of running a race with strangers was a bit of a bummer. She reminded me I was running the race for me anyway. It was a good reality check.
Ultimately I’m not exactly sure how I feel about next Saturday. Nervous, excited, unsure, semi-confident, yes to all. For the first time in a very long while I stand before a challenge that I cannot truly anticipate an outcome for. How will I do, what will the course be like, what will the weather be like, are all variables that I do not control. Next Saturday will be a true adventure in that the outcome is UNCERTAIN. I hope that I do well whatever that means. I know that I can finish barring major unforeseen occurrences. Waiting and anticipating are always the most difficult parts of most things.